Fear

The lover that strokes my back
And sends up chills
Covers me with regret
Makes me hide behind stadium poles
And lie to myslef
And others
THe lover
That destroys my life
But is always there for me
As an excuse
nurturer if you will
I am alone because of fear

What the hell am I afraid of??? I have lost great guys who liked me because I was afraid once they knew me the way I know me, they will leave me. So I find ways to make them dislike me, distrust me, leave me

I have great opportunities I destroy because I am afraid to be proactive and be denied something I hope to gain

I have great friends who I avoid being with because I am afraid my fear is obvious and ugly and I want to be alone so I don't destroy their ideas of me or their lives wiht my fear.
Fear is rooted in my discomfort in myself and my fear of my potential

I am a full time student at an Ivy League University and a memeber of one of the most exclusive teaching programs in America. I am constantly attracting men. Have great skin. A nice body. I graduated with a dual degree from a great University. I was a noted student leader and noted great spoken word artist.

I am creative and kind and cool and open minded.  I never had a problem making friends and have had too many blessings to count but I am constantly burdened by fear. Fear of failure, fear of heart break, fear of loss. And as a result, I fail, i am heart broken, I lose.

I know there is still hope to get out of this. I annoy myself with this and i just want to stop but I have no idea how to other than just STOP. And when I finally appreciate myself, my accomplishments, and my blessings, I feel guilt for daring to be so cocky and selfish. Who am I to deserve these blessings? And my fear gains power again.

Where did this come from? How do I stop myself from destroying myself? How do I keep going? I know I will be sooooo much more accomplished if I get out of this hell hole I put myself in. I am still doing well regardless of my fear and self-hindrance.

This fear seemed to strengthen after my first heart break but that was over 2 yrs ago!  I admire strong ambitious creative out going and proactive minds because I want to be in that number. But I am here...writing instead of doing...so solution. I have to do.  Destroy my self-destruction...and live like I am blessed to

Sometimes...i be trying to understand

 So that last blog was a lie

I can have a relationship

I am particular. I have plenty of men wondering about me and asking me out and falling in love...just like every other single person..not the one I want

I am crushing but my crush is too scared of my black woman-ness to crush back (thats white guys 4 ya)

I am loving but the one I love is old news. Forgotten poetry under broken limbs of cupid...fuck cupid

But this is life

...however after late night inebriated text of damn nears "i still love you"s and "i still miss you"s and "we should have tried harder" replies (from him)...i get a text reminding me that I really don't know how to read between the lines. They say guys are straight forward...so I shall call him The Crooked Beast. I mean, he could be as confused as me. We only 22...so we stay confused. Plus he is not at an optimum point of life right now. He could be using me to boost his self-esteem ("if a woman this great is still in love with me..i must be doing something right") So maybe i'm just a ladder so he can get up on his high horse again. Maybe he just wants us to be friends. Obviously I am not ready for that. I need to keep it peace-full though.

I hate this...love him...love myself more and peace forever...so i'll keep movin on.

It is blue birds even tho its night time
kinda memories
It is soft touch and giggle
just playing
It is gratitude and I got you
heart breaking
It is never giving in
and ever changing
It is truthfully you
and never we
Maybe I'll always feel this way
But thank you for setting me free

Mission Impossible: Fresh in a Relationship

I have been in love

Loved him so much I forgot I was a poet.

I loved him so much that I didn't like me. Who I was would never make him happy. I was too political, too goofy, too poetic, too nerdy...too much of me. But i was very frustrated I couldn't be me and love him. So I loved and despised him for it. Wanted him to sacrifice himself for me. And you know that doesn't work out for the best. I became a pest he became jerk we became broken. Relationships don't work. ON TO DA NEXT ONE...

But I still have mad love and respect for who he is and gaining love and respect for who I am back. I have learned that if you can't be who you are and still be in a healthy relationship, maybe you should change your relationship type or end the relationship all together. Our relationship was probably best as friends. Now we're barely acquaintances.

But I then I start new and different relationships. I got a thing now. He ask me to open up and I shut down. I don't want another broken heart and I know if i open up in certain ways I'll fall hard. But the reason I started with this new guy was cuz he is sexy and I was lonely. Basically. Now its been almost six months, we barely know each other but we do things like we do. But i know he'll never hold me the right way and I want to be loved. Like I loved and was loved before

But thats not happenin anytime soon

At least not in this city...I move out and move on

Till then I might as well set this beast free
But i'm afraid what that will mean
Because

Its addiction
Its ice cream and ameretto
June,no movement, and just jazz
And loving feeling loved
But quick fixes like that
Don't mix with self worth
I hope to find a balance
Before addiction gets me hurt

Introduction

Fresh ta Def
Freshest ya heard
If Fresh be the Freshest
I be the word
You failed the test
Yes
Fresh raised da curve
I tell you to stop on the hatin
But you stuck on da verb
You only hate to love me
IF wanna get fresh than subscribe and study
But I bet ya can't catch up so give it up buddy
Remember you the best you and you are truely lovely
MUAH


There is my "This is for the haters" Intro...now that is done with...I am Lenora Magee. I think a lot and according to my friends I'm super intuitive...so instead of preaching to them...i'm gonna write my thoughts down...and eventually write a book. Look out for it. I'm serious.

This Blog will truly start in January 1st 2010. I will be graduating from college that May with a degree in Mathematics and African-American studies (FINALLY!!!) and then start my course to be a REVOLUTIONARY EDUCATOR. I will write a blog every 7 days...because 7 is my favorite number. But as a prelude...

Here are 10 about ya girl Fresh...

1) I hate hater poems without love in them...I hope I don't have haters but haters are just lovers who have too much pride to admit they love you....I love all those I hate on...Especially Miss Piggy...ugh she is so fly its disgusting

2) I relate more with kermit da frog

3) I like to read!!!!

4) I'm a poet/spoken word artist...but i don't know the difference....

5) I hope that when people google me, this blog comes up

6)...because I deleted my facebook...FUCK DA SYSTEM

7) I like to fuck the system...but with condoms...I am not tryin to get AIDS omg

8) I love my friends to DEATH and my family more...So don't mess with them..cuz i will criticize yo pinky toe critically

9) I am a procrasitinator and I go late too work too much....so niggerish...

10) I love to teach!! I love math!! I love being black!! But i gotta work on that niggerish ish...

Well guys thats me....Um...maybe pics soon but I ain't tryin to have stalkers jk jk jk...ok...STAY TUNED FOR MORE...Peace love and Pork fried rice (shout out to Miss Piggy ha!)