The lover that strokes my back
And sends up chills
Covers me with regret
Makes me hide behind stadium poles
And lie to myslef
And others
THe lover
That destroys my life
But is always there for me
As an excuse
nurturer if you will
I am alone because of fear
What the hell am I afraid of??? I have lost great guys who liked me because I was afraid once they knew me the way I know me, they will leave me. So I find ways to make them dislike me, distrust me, leave me
I have great opportunities I destroy because I am afraid to be proactive and be denied something I hope to gain
I have great friends who I avoid being with because I am afraid my fear is obvious and ugly and I want to be alone so I don't destroy their ideas of me or their lives wiht my fear.
Fear is rooted in my discomfort in myself and my fear of my potential
I am a full time student at an Ivy League University and a memeber of one of the most exclusive teaching programs in America. I am constantly attracting men. Have great skin. A nice body. I graduated with a dual degree from a great University. I was a noted student leader and noted great spoken word artist.
I am creative and kind and cool and open minded. I never had a problem making friends and have had too many blessings to count but I am constantly burdened by fear. Fear of failure, fear of heart break, fear of loss. And as a result, I fail, i am heart broken, I lose.
I know there is still hope to get out of this. I annoy myself with this and i just want to stop but I have no idea how to other than just STOP. And when I finally appreciate myself, my accomplishments, and my blessings, I feel guilt for daring to be so cocky and selfish. Who am I to deserve these blessings? And my fear gains power again.
Where did this come from? How do I stop myself from destroying myself? How do I keep going? I know I will be sooooo much more accomplished if I get out of this hell hole I put myself in. I am still doing well regardless of my fear and self-hindrance.
This fear seemed to strengthen after my first heart break but that was over 2 yrs ago! I admire strong ambitious creative out going and proactive minds because I want to be in that number. But I am here...writing instead of doing...so solution. I have to do. Destroy my self-destruction...and live like I am blessed to
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson
ReplyDeleteBe Unafraid. Be You. Love.
Thank you...I def refer to that quote often
ReplyDelete"destroy my self destruction" - :) yes (might steal this lol) oh and hope everything is going well
ReplyDelete